


and now you're drowning (and i'm surviving)

by extra_plus_ordinary



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Drowning warning, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm gonna fail chem, Jester dies but comes back, My First Work in This Fandom, This is for you sofia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 15:38:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16390457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extra_plus_ordinary/pseuds/extra_plus_ordinary
Summary: He tips her head up, putting his head to her chest (he's wanted to do this, sometimes, when the nights were dark and the dreams unrelenting but not like this, oh, not like this-) and listens for a heartbeat.He can't find one.(Or: Jester drowns.)





	and now you're drowning (and i'm surviving)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrincessAmericaChavez](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmericaChavez/gifts).



> YO SCREW THE FJORESTER DISCORD FOR MAKING ME WRITE DURING MIDTERMS IMMA FAIL CHEM U GUYS

Sometimes, Fjord dreams about drowning.  
  
There's no huge eye in these dreams, no push to fulfill a command, no view of Vandren or Sabien; he just drowns, plain and simple. He feels that initial splash into the frigid waves, the dark churning of bubbles as he twirls underwater. He feels his lungs start to twitch, the last of his oxygen being consumed and he breathes out, searching for those bubbles that would tickle his chin or nose to tell him which way was up. It never comes and he tries again, the last of his breath used in his desperate attempt to live. Nothing.   
  
And that's when the nightmare starts.   
  
It's a certain sort of hell, the water cold yet burning, filling his lungs as his body forces him to take a breath, only for them to convulse painfully as he tries to expel the water. He feels himself fading, too slowly for his taste as his lungs scream for air and only being met with brine and fire. His consciousness leaves him, the pressure of the tumultuous currents lessening as he tries to accept his fate, accept the fire burning in his chest as a temporary pain before an eternal slumber.   
  
He thinks he still dies with his eyes open.   
  
These are the dreams he manages to hide, no salt water spit up or vanished items to alert the party of his nightmares. Sometimes, though, he catches Caduceus looking his way before putting on a pot of chamomile tea "to calm some early morning nerves".   
Molly used to bring him whiskey, but tea does just fine.   
  
Even after his near death in the sea, Fjord doesn't find himself shying away from water. It's still his home, his old livelihood; dangers came in every environment, after all. Every sailor knows that they could drown at any moment. He finds himself missing more than ever the feeling of being out on open sea, of looking out and seeing blue, beautiful blue for miles, salty airs and cool breezes his only constants.   
  
It's funny how dying alleviated fears of death.   
  
So no, drowning himself didn't scare him.   
  
But someone else, someone he cared for, being subjected to the same fate? That sent chills down his spine.   
  
He finds himself constantly checking on the rest of the M9 as they played along the shoreline. Caleb, who stays afloat where he could see him; Caduceus, who swims in shallow waters, Nott and Beau, who stay mostly on the shoreline where the water just curls around their toes. He feels like he needs to protect them, and he knows that only half of that feeling stems from their routine of looking out for each other in the empire.   
  
(He doesn't want them to feel what he did.)   
  
He feels other things too, and most of them are because of Jester.   
  
Jester, who until just recently was unable to do anything but watch the sea from her window. Jester, who takes in the beauty and excitement of literally everything around her with such childlike wonder. Jester, whose attention is always shifting from the sea to the birds to her friends to him, and he passes off the _th-thump_ he feels in his chest when they lock eyes as a wave startling him as they crash against the rocks.   
  
No, Fjord isn't afraid of drowning.   
  
But he's afraid of those he cares about being subjected to the same fate.   
  
So when he finds himself captaining a ship, responsible for the lives of every single person who's meant anything (everything, they're everything, she's everything-) to him in the past, he's feeling anxious, and rightfully so.   
  
But they're different. That's what he tells himself. They're capable. Caleb has his fire, Beau has her fists, Yasha has her sword, Caduceus has his magic, Nott has her crossbow-   
  
And Jester-   
  
Jester is in the arms of a harpy.   
  
It pulls her from the sail she’s mending, sharp talons digging into her arms painfully as she struggles to hold onto the mast. One harpy is down already, felled by Beau, and another two are speeding away due to whatever spell Caleb has cast on them. The other three are retreating, yes, but not without something as a prize; one has a deckhand firmly in its grasp, another eyeballing Nott; but no one minds them.   
  
They're all looking at Jester.   
  
(It's like his heart has stopped.)   
  
"Let _go_ of her!" Beau, ever the agile one, runs up the mast and leaps, adrenaline an determination taking her farther than she was able to on Nicodranas. She catches onto the harpy's wing and it sags with her weight, dropping back to Earth for a split second before it caws sharply and snaps its' wing up, throwing Beau off and sending her plummeting 40 feet onto the deck. She pops back up immediately, full of splinters and anger before Fjord puts a hand on her shoulder, pushing her towards the stern. "Go help Caduceus and Yasha!" he nearly growls at her, and turns back to the harpy, summoning his falcon and pointing it straight at it. The eye looks at its target, and for a second Fjord swears he sees it narrow in delight before an Eldrich blast comes shooting out, careening towards the harpy’s back for a hit.   
  
Caleb and Nott fire, magic missiles and crossbow bolts a blur of light and metal as they smash into the harpy, which looks broken and bloodied even at this distance. Jester is trying to work her way free, unable to do much harm without touching the beast and so she casts Spiritual weapon, a huge lollipop appearing right above her and the harpy, who's gained considerable height and is starting to put distance between them and the ship.   
  
Fjord is still firing, ripping through his spell slots as he aims, fires, corrects, fires until he feels blood rushing to his head and nearly blacks out in exhaustion. He can still see Jester, who's managed to get an arm free and raises a hand to bring down the giant lollipop on the harpy's head, and he lifts the falcon one more time-   
  
The harpy pitches forward, then falls out of the sky.   
  
And for a brief millisecond, there's relief.   
  
And then Jester starts to fall.   
  
"Jester!"   
  
The M9 rush to the edge of the deck, watching the tiefling plummet 50 feet through the air, twisting and turning the whole way down before hitting the sea with a huge splash. They're freaked, out of their element and unsure of what to do and how to do it, and so they look back at Fjord for ideas.   
  
Except Fjord isn't there anymore.   
  
He's in the water, swimming at top speed (thank the gods for this armour) towards where he saw her go down. He takes a breath, a quick one, and dives.   
  
The sea is just as murky as the day he died.   
  
He pushes down, down, down, swimming deeper and deeper into it's icy depths. He doesn't know how long she's been under, and he doesn't want to think about it; she's not drowning, she's not drowning, she's not _drowning_ .   
  
He finds a hand in the dark.   
  
He nearly recoils in surprise, but he latches on instead, pulling the hand towards him. A body collides with his, small and feminine, a dress swaying and catching his ankles in the current.   
  
He can't make out her face, but he knows it's her.   
  
He speeds up and out of the ocean, the universe seemingly at his side as his natural buoyancy propels him upward towards air. She drags behind him, limp in his grasp and right now all he can do is pray, pray to the gods and the Traveller and whatever he made a pact with to please let her be alive, please _please please let her live, I'm begging you-_   
  
He breaches the surface with a gasp. He props Jester up with his arms, turning her towards him. Her head is limp and it sags between them, resting on her chest as he sees the last of the saltwater drain from her mouth. He tips her head up, putting his head to her chest (he's wanted to do this, sometimes, when the nights were dark and the dreams unrelenting but not like this, oh, not like this-) and listens for a heartbeat.   
  
He can't find one.   
  
He feels a rush of something threatening to cascade over him but he clamps it down, unwilling to let his fears get in the way of what he has to do.   
  
First-get back on the boat.   
  
He half hugs, half tucks Jester into his side, cradling her head with a hand so she wouldn't go back under again (does it matter?) and swims, struggling to pull both their weight but managing it anyway, eyes trained on the slow growing ship no more than 40 ft away and closing. He sees his party members and some crew leaning over the side, watching him struggle towards them. Caleb turns and barks something at the deckhands, who both turn and run off,and he soon sees a rope being thrown over, along with a pinkish gray mass that lands with a splash.   
  
Caduceus reaches them in no time and Fjord pushes Jester into his arms without thinking (it strikes him how much he trusts Caduceus, no matter how hard it is to understand him.). "She's not responding," he explains as Caduceus slowly turns Jester around to face him, watching the firbolgs' eyebrows furrow as he presses his hand to her nose, her mouth, her throat. "I think she's un-" Fjord is interrupted by Caduceus placing a hand on his shoulder, sinking down a little in the water to look him in the eyes.   
  
"Get back on the ship," he says, and Fjord has never felt colder.   
  
They both swim to the rope, silently carrying Jester between the two of them. Fjord gestures for Caduceus to tie himself in but he shakes his head, grabbing the rope and fastening it to the half orc instead and placing Jester in his arms. He doesn't want to look down at her, doesn't want to see her blue lips tinged with purple and white, her eyelids slightly open and staring at nothing.   
  
He looks at her.   
  
He finds himself starting to shake.   
  
Caduceus tugs the rope and Fjord is lifted up and out of the water, rope digging into his back as they gain height (He can't even feel it, all he can look at is Jester, Jester, _Jester-)_ until he sees the railing above him, sees the rest of his friends holding onto the other end of the rope and helping him go up and over and falling in a heap onto the deck with a groan, still managing to protect Jester by curling up around her (she still smells like sweets, mixed with salt and blood). He hears Beau yell out their names, feels her crouch beside him and slowly uncurls himself for her, letting her take Jester and place her on the deck.   
  
"Jes?" she whispers, leaning in close to feel her breath. (He doesn't have the strength or heart to tell her he tried.)   
"Jester, please. Don't trick us like this by holding your breath. It isn't funny...Jester?"   
She looks back at Fjord, looking for some reassurance from her fears but he's silent, staring at Jester's prone form and trying not to break.   
  
A shuffling of clothes. Caleb walks from behind Fjord's periphery and crouches beside Beau, looking down at Jester with an expression crossed between pain and affection that takes Fjord's breath away. He pushes the tieflings dark hair out of her face, leaning down and pressing her forehead to his own and whispering something in Zemnian before, in Common, "Sleep well, my little one."   
Nott is right there beside him, her little form shaking in little bursts as she puts on her porcelain mask to hide her face, even as Beau pulls both of them in for a hug. Yasha watches all of this in silence, but her silence speaks more than words as she opens her book, falling to her knees to place dried flowers around Jester's hair and face.   
  
(Another crack. Fjord doesn't know how long he'll last like this. He's failed them all.)   
  
Caduceus is the last to approach, still dripping wet. He makes a puddle on the deck where he stands, peering down at Jester's form like an inquisitive crow before shifting to look at all of them. "It might be rude to say so early but, I'm sorry for your loss," Caduceus begins, and Beau's head snarls up to face him. "Our loss? Bullshit. We know how much she means to you, too."   
  
Caduceus's facial expression flickers, just for a second, before settling into a determined look as he sets down his staff to shuffle through his knapsack. "She did. She does. And that's why," He pulls out long tube, the sides of it sporting moss and colorful fungi that comes off a little as he opens the container and pulls out a scroll. "we're going to get her back."   
  
"And how do you reckon we do that?" Fjords voice is hollow, his accent barely there as he finally shifts his attention from Jester to Caduceus. No one questions the change; whether it be due to not noticing or not caring, he has no clue.   
  
"My family...we ran a graveyard, yes, but if we could help those who had not yet fully crossed over come back...we would. Right now, the Mother has only blessed me with enough words to bring back someone within a minute, but my parents were able to help those who have been gone for much longer. They gave me this scroll before they left, and they said that I should use it when the time was right."   
  
"And you think now is the right time?" Caleb's voice is soft, questioning; they all know what other time he's referring to and it hits Fjord like a sledgehammer (blue is replaced with purple, clear water replaced with blood-but he's gone now, been gone for a while-)   
  
"The first time you asked for my help, your friend..." Caduceus pauses, looking for the right way to say too far gone, much too dead, miles away and six feet under- " was far away, and I wasn't exactly sure who I would be bringing back anyway. But this, this I can do." He stoops down, waiting for Beau and Yasha to let him pass as he goes and scoops up Jester into his arms and stands. "Let's get her somewhere warm."   
  
And he goes below deck.   
  
And they all follow.   
  
Caduceus  and Caleb spend the rest of the day preparing for the ritual. The firbolg has used up most of his magic during the fight, so attempting ooit now would just be a _recipe for disaster_ , he tells them as Caleb moves Jester into a comfortable position on a cot in his tiny hut, cast to give them a semblance of privacy from the rest of the crew.   
  
Both the wizard and the warlock haven't really left Jester's side since she was brought back on board, Caleb being under the excuse of being unable to leave the hut, Fjord by being the captain and Jester's closest friend. Nott and Yasha called evening watch before the raid and stuck to it out of routine, neither of them coming back to switch shifts even when the sun goes down and the sky and sea melt into a singular inky darkness.   
  
Beau tries to keep spirits up, something that she is ill equipped to do but tries anyway, frequently reassuring anyone around her that Jester would be back, she would be revived and would probably tease everyone for having a crush on her while she was dead until Fjord can't take it anymore and asks her to relieve Nott of her post.   
  
When Nott comes down she sets her weapons down and curls up next to Caleb, who puts up an arm for her to snuggle in closer as he stares at a book. "Goodnight," she mutters, and for a second he expects to hear Jester's sleepy voice mumbling it back, but instead he hears Caleb, bending down to give the goblin a squeeze before slowly closing his eyes as well.   
  
Fjord stays where he is, across Jester's cot (corpse), and stares.   
  
He doesn't know when he starts to speak.   
  
"Jester?" He stops, coughs, starts again, dropping the accent. "Jester, can you hear me? Caduceus...he said something about your soul staying with your body for a bit? Like ghosty shit? Ack..." He rakes his hand through his hair, takes a breath, and looks at her.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
He's not sure who he's talking to at this point; himself, Jester or even the Traveler, a presence he's rarely felt but can only assume is here.   
  
His favorite cleric just died.   
  
"I'm sorry for letting this happen. And, I know what you would say, that it wasn't my fault, but it is my fault, Jes, I know it. I let us leave shore, and none of you were ready.I don't even know if half of you can swim all that well. I was in charge of all of your safety, and I failed." A lump in his throat threatens his next sentence with a crack, but he pushes it down forcefully.   
  
"I failed you. And that's not all I'm sorry for."   
  
In the dimness of the hull of a ship in the open sea, Fjord tells the corpse of his best friend everything.   
  
He talks about his childhood, his tusks and why he cut them, how he found his life and first family on the sea, how his near drowning affected him. He tells her how he recovered, what his plans were with the Academy, his thoughts and fears about Sabien, Vandren and the entity he might have unknowingly made a pact with.   
  
He talks about meeting her.   
  
How it changed him, made him see the joy and light in the smallest of things. He talks about the M9, Molly, being captured together (I'm sorry, I'm sorry) and how thankful he was when they were set free. How angry he was.   
  
He talks about how worried he was for her. How much he wanted to believe that she was fine, even though she wasn't. He talks about Nicodranas, about meeting her mother and fighting that genie in the sewers and acting out of panic seeing it come after her, how after that he truly started understanding how much she meant to him.   
  
He talks, and talks, and talks until his head feels heavier than his heart, and then he's silent, dozing off to the lull of the waves lapping at the ship.   
  
(And perhaps he hears a girl, far, far away, softly singing a song the Ruby had performed mere nights ago.)   
  
"Wake up, Fjord."   
  
The half-orc starts awake, bolting upright before becoming startlingly aware of his sore back and neck and groaning. Massaging his neck, he looks up and sees Beau, hair messy and looking like she barely slept a wink. "Beau? What is it?" He asks, his own thoughts hazy and unclear from sleep.   
  
"Its Caduceus. He's ready to do the ritual."   
  
He's awake after that.   
  
Both Fjord and Beau rush up to the deck. Both the skies and waters are clear, the ocean waves barely rocking the boat to give them the appearance of stillness. The rest of the Nein are already there, all paying attention to Caduceus, who was explaining how the ritual would work and what they could do. Fjord catches most of it, hears the words "offering" and "calling to the soul", but he's still distracted by the blue body in the middle of a chalk circle, surrounded by sigils and lichen, trying to calm his heart down.   
  
They were getting her back.   
  
The M9 step back as Caduceus walks around the circle a final time before standing in front of them all, pulling the scroll from his bag and lifting it up, and then begins to read.   
  
The Celestial that flows from his mouth is melodic and expressive, spell sounding like song as it echoes across the ship and open sea. The chalk lines surrounding Jester begin to slowly glow, pulsing brighter and brighter with every syllable before a bright green light is washing over them all, flaring with divine energy. Caduceus stops reciting, lowering the paper to look at all of them expectantly.   
  
"What do you contribute to this ritual?"   
  
Before Fjord can even react Caleb steps forward, glancing at Caduceus to make sure he was allowed to step into the ritual circle before walking over to Jester.   
  
"Hey there," he says softly, more tender than Fjord has ever heard him, "I wanted to give you something."   
  
He fishes for something in his coat for a second before pulling out a small rock, a dull grey save for a light stripe in the middle. "You see this rock?" His voice is quieter now, his face turned down and away from the group as he talks. "It might not look like much, but this is a real lucky rock. It's helped me in a lot of our, ah, fights with the baddies. I guess you could say it's kept me alive." He turns the rock over before placing it gently into Jester's cold, outstretched hands, getting her fingers to curl around the stone. "And now it will help keep you alive too." He leans down and kisses her forehead, brushing the hair from her face before stepping back.   
  
The stone pulses. A wave of magic, fiery and bright, spread a out in a singular orange wave, mixing with the green light and strengthening it as Caduceus intones with another verse. He looks back at the group again, and this time it's Nott that springs into action, scrambling forward to stand over Jester's body. "Hey Jessie," she says, crouching at Jester's torso to fiddle with her dress. "'Duceus said that we should offer things up that would strengthen the bonds between you and this world or something...I'm not too good with magic but I brought you these."   
  
She unloads her pockets, and trinkets of every type and size clatter to the ground. One by one she scoops them up, placing jewelry on hands and horns and tail, glittery things expertly tied onto her dress or into her hair. Fjord hears Caleb give out a little wheeze and sees the human looking at Nott in shock and fondness. "I know you like shiny things as much as I do, Jester," the goblin continues, placing the last bauble-a silver charm with a rhinestone in its center- into her hair. "and even though I like these things very much...I'd much rather have you here with us."   
  
Nott turns and scampers out of the circle towards Caleb, who immediately scoops her up into a hug, squeezing her as she wraps her arms around his neck. Beau and Yasha move over to them, the monk gently ruffling Nott's hair as Yasha says, quietly,"Good job, Nott. I'm sure Jester will be quite happy with her new look.", which only brings out a sniffle from the goblin.   
  
They've all changed so much since they've met.   
  
The circle is brighter now, light reflecting off the many shiny sides of Nott's offerings, scattering the rays like prisms, adding more colors to the divine light of the Wildmother. Caduceus keeps going, nearly at the end of his scroll by the looks of it, and he pauses to hold up one finger.   
  
_One more offering._   
  
Fjord steps into the circle.   
  
He doesn't have anything to offer, but he does have his words, and those have been good enough to get him this far. He hopes it's enough here.   
  
He sits down next to Jester. She looks awfully small in death, the energy and joy that seemed to inflate her until she was larger than life itself sapped by the ocean   
He reaches out to her, cradles her head with both his hands before bringing it to rest on his lap. "Heya, Jes," he starts out, casual and soft, like they're alive and alone instead of dead, hurting, and surrounded by their family. "I know I-I told you a lot of things last night, didn't I? About my past and all. But I think...I think I should tell you about the future."   
  
He tells it to her as he envisions it; finding treasure on an island, presenting it to her mother so she wouldn't have to work anymore. Perhaps they'd sail the world; perhaps they'd stow the ship on another port and sneak away, eager to find another adventure on land. They would help Yasha with her quest, Caleb with his weird vendetta. They'd take her to see the Traveller, when it was summer. They would do so many things.   
  
"But for this to happen, you have to come back, Jessie," he murmurs, stroking her hair as he talks. "We can't do this without you. You're the cleric. You bring light to us all. You brought it to me, all those months ago. So please, please...come back to me."   
  
He looks up, and for a split second he feels someone looking down at him. "You're here, aren't you? Traveler." There's a part of him that feels foolish, calling out to the wind, but he keeps going. "You've seen how much Jester loves you. She follows you diligently, even when it could have gotten her locked up in the Empire. She brings joy to others, and I-I know she must bring joy to you. You're her oldest friend, so please...help us bring her back."   
  
Caduceus starts reciting again, louder and faster as the circle grows with a new vigor, green light turning bright blue in some places as magic begins to swirl towards Jester. The parchment in the firbolgs hands begin to burn and he lets go, but no one is really paying attention; they're watching Jester, whose body is lifted from Fjord's grasp by the magic gathering above her, limply hanging in midair as if lifted by a thread. Different lights swirl around the tiefling, bursts of red, green and blue that mingle and twist around each other until they become a singular white beam that diffuses into Jester, her body seizing in the moment as magic jump starts her muscles. The moment passes, and her body slowly lowers to the ground once more, her head settling back onto Fjord's lap as the magic fades, the chalk lines becoming inert once again.   
  
A second passes. Then ten, then thirty as the Mighty Nein waits for Jester to breathe. Fjord doesn't check for a pulse, too afraid to jostle her, as if her life was more fragile than air. He feels nothing,   
vision tunneling until he sees nothing but Jester, Jester, Jester, dead in his arms once more.   
  
It's all his fault.   
  
A minute. Caduceus walks over to them, stoic yet with shaking shoulders as he bends down next to Fjord. "I-I'm sorry, he whispers, placing his hands on Fjord's shoulders. "I thought it-"   
  
Jester coughs.   
  
Fjord nearly jumps back in shock but instead grabs onto her, pulling her up so her upper body was flush against his so she could cough and vomit out whatever sea water was still in her system. He pats her back, softly cooing "There you go, get it all out of ya," as she wheezes and spits, trying to ignore the squeezing in his chest as Jester looks back at him gratefully, a bit of vomit still trickling down her mouth as she croaks, "Thanks, Fjord."   
  
And then she's out of his arms and in Beau's as she comes and picks up the tiefling with a shout, twirling her around and hugging her tightly. Nott is there too, holding onto Jester's waist as much as she can. "You guys!" Jester laughs, hugging Beau back weakly, reaching down to ruffle Nott's hair as she takes in the affection. "Why are you so huggy today? I was only gone for five minutes. Fjord got me out, right?" She breaks away from the hug to turn to Fjord, only for her knees to give out under her. She falls to the floor in a heap, breathy and shaking as she tries to catch her breath. Fjord and Caleb are by her side immediately, both taking a side as they help her back to feet.   
  
"You need to rest, Jester," Caleb says, his own voice a bit shaky as she wraps an arm around his shoulder. "You've had quite a day."   
  
She sighs and nods, looking down at the floor before noticing the ties in her dress. "Oh! I have more jewelry on!" She swishes her dress and flicks her tail with muted delight, inspecting the new baubles. "Oh, Nott! Did you give these to me?" She lets go of Caleb to give Nott a one armed hug, still holding on to Fjord for support. "Thank you! But what's it for?" Nott opens her mouth to speak before glancing at Caleb, and Fjord takes this as his cue to say "Alright, Jess, time for you to sleep," and sweeps her up in his arms before she can say anything.   
  
She's cold, and he can feel her shivering.   
  
Still she manages to laugh and wrap her arms around his neck, teasing "Oh, Oskar! This is just like that once scene where-"   
  
"Yeah, okay, we're going now, take care of the ship while I'm below deck bye!" Fjord feels his cheeks warming as he strides of the deck and down the stairs, making his way into the captain's quarters. His arms are shaking with strain but he tries to ignore them, instead focusing on Jester, alive and shivering in his arms. He sets her down on the mattress, feeling her hands leave his neck as she curls up on herself, still shaking. He grabs the blanket, throwing it over her in an attempt to provide warmth. She takes it gratefully, muttering a small "thank you" as she wraps it around herself. He hums and sits down at the edge of the bed, warming her hands with one of his own, another hand stroking her hair quietly.   
  
A few minutes pass. She's still shivering, even though her hands are now warm in his own. "Jester, I'm gonna get some more blankets, alright?" He says, untangling a hand from her hair. "I'll be back." He gets up from the bed, only to find himself unable to move as blue hands reach out and grab his arm.   
  
"No!"   
  
He looks at her, sees her pale face suddenly turn a purplish hue as she turns away. "I'm not cold, Fjord. I'm just...just stay," she says, and he can't say no to her, has never been able to, so when she lifts up her blanket to let him slide under the covers he does so immediately. They both don't have any armour on, their legs knocking into each other as they settle in, making room for each other. It's awkward, at first; Fjord doesn't know what to say, not sure how to take that devastating look on her face away without crossing any boundaries, but Jester is already reaching for him tentatively. He leans into her, letting her wrap her arms around his neck as he pulls her in close, resting his chin on her forehead, letting an arm draw slow circles across her back to calm her down.   
  
Minutes pass. Jester's shaking has stopped, and she hasn't said a word so he assumes she's sleeping until she whispers something into his chest, so low that he strains to catch it.   
  
"I died yesterday, didn't I?"   
  
His breath catches.   
  
"I...wasn't sure if you would remember." It's an excuse, a hope they had all had that she wouldn't be traumatized by such an ordeal. She sighs against his chest and he pulls her closer on instinct. "I remember," she murmurs. "I remember all of it."   
  
His heart breaks for her. "Jester, I...I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If-If I had acted faster-"   
Jester stops him with a hush.   
  
"It's not your fault, Fjord. It's just...you went through it too, right? Without anyone?"   
  
He doesn't like to think back on those first nights, but he hums in the affirmative on top of her chin.   
  
"Must've been scary."   
  
"It-It was. But it's better, now. Easier when there's other people around. It'll get better." He feels her cheek against his chest as she nods a bit, leaning further into him. Silence takes over again, each of them lost in their thoughts yet grounded by each other.   
  
"So...what else do you remember?" Fjord asks, this time moving back so he could look at her face. She looks up at him with half lidded eyes and a small smile on her face, which only grows when she answers "Weeelllll....I remember everyone talking to me at the ritual...and I remember what you were saying last night."   
  
Shit. Fjord feels himself turn red. "I-I know I talked a lot, and, I know its sort of unfair to have only told you when you were, uh, dead, but I meant every word of it, Jester. You've changed me a lot, for the better, and you...you mean a lot to me. Like, a lot, a lot? And, fuck, I'm not sure how to explain-"   
  
"Do you like me, Fjord?"   
  
"I-" He pauses, takes a breath, and sighs, nodding. "Y-yeah. I think I like you, Jes. I think I like you a lot."   
  
She moves away from him suddenly, and for a second he thinks he's said the wrong thing at the wrong time and he moves to give her space to leave him, trying to think of what to say to diffuse the situation so he doesn't lose his best friend but in a second she's close again, this time pressing her forehead against his so that their noses brush past each other. "Good," she breathes. "Because I like you too, Fjord."   
  
His hands reach up, caressing her jawline as he closes the minuscule gap between them to brush his lips across her own once, twice before the brush becomes a firm press as she wraps her arms around his neck. They only break apart to breathe, both of them giggling as they gasp for air. They lock eyes again, and he can now see the furious blush that darkens the tieflings' face, and he can only imagine how his cheeks are. They find themselves kissing for a while, softly and slowly, drunk on relief and happiness. He feels Jester get weaker, her movements more sluggish as the events of the day truly start catching up to her. He moves up, pressing kisses on her cheeks, her drooping eyes, her forehead before pulling her close again. "Goodnight Jester," he says, and he feels her relax once more against him as she mumbles something into his chest before falling asleep in his arms.   
  
He doesn't dream of drowning this night.   



End file.
